worth.
If codependency is when you have an ulterior motive for what you’re doing — and what you’re doing hurts, then Jesus. Let’s not get started on the term “toxic positivity” either. Or, maybe, let’s. But it hurts me to think about it, because I’ve spent almost my entire life trying to force a positive personality (except when at home with my parents while growing up or in home with H). I’ve ignored my negative emotions and I’ve had ulterior motives for almost every action I take. Because when I do “nice” things, what I think I might be trying to really do is… Tell people to see me, to see my worth. To appreciate me.
Because I feel so worthless on my own.
The problem is, I probably can’t depend on another person to define my worth. That I have to define it for myself.
And I can list things that are positive attributes. Except I can’t end them with periods. They always have an attached negative.
I’m a really good, loving mom — but I could be less distracted, I could stop depending on screen time to help D pass the time.
I’m an extremely supportive wife — but I overspend, I can’t forgive the pain H’s drinking caused me, I don’t want to go back to work (unless it’s back to writing novels), and more often than not I don’t feel like cooking dinner or cleaning or doing anything around the house that would bring a sense of calm that we’d both appreciate. I am exhausted all the time. Doesn’t matter how much sleep I’ve had, whether I’ve worked out, whether we’re in an argument or things are (above the surface) peaceful. I catastrophize every small problem in my marriage, every disagreement, because it all ties back to the larger issues I can’t get over. Everything seems huge because I don’t have the capacity to compartmentalize issues.
I crave acceptance and love and feeling seen. I crave depth in my marriage — and am uncertain of H’s ability to find it with me. Sometimes I think he has the emotional intelligence of a gnat.
Logically, I know catcalling is gross and disrespectful. But I so pathetically want to be seen as attractive by someone, by anyone, that I think I’d appreciate even that. But probably wouldn’t even get it.
Sometimes when a male friend is kind to me? I immediately wonder if we could be happier together than I am in my marriage. Doesn’t matter if I’m attracted to them or not. Just… I’m desperate to feel something positive and to feel wanted in return.
Why can’t I just want what I have? Why can’t I just find my own worth? Why do I need so much fucking validation from others?