Currently: christmas edition (thoughts for MT)

I feel that H and I aren’t doing equal work for our marriage. I constantly have all the worksheets MT has sent to us spread out on the table, reading them, writing questions and making note of things I want to dive deeper into for a better understanding. I’m seeing MT solo, I’m crying a lot. I’m reliving all the bad memories from the trauma H caused, while he doesn’t have to feel any of that pain. It’s not fair.

Similarly, there have been several instances over the past couple of weeks that stuck out to me. Perhaps this is confirmation bias, in that I’m tuned into find negatives. But:

• I was feeling really low one morning. Crying and trying to nap on the couch, unsuccessfully. H came down, realized I was upset and I told him I was having trouble with anxiety over the things I’m working on in therapy, and he made a lame-ass joke that at least I didn’t have to spend my mornings speaking to the idiots he had to spend his mornings speaking with.

• H came downstairs looking for sheets because D had an accident. As he passed me, I told him there were sheets I’d washed in the dryer for her bed. He acknowledged it. Came back out a minute later without any sheets. I asked if they weren’t there. He said they weren’t. I got up from the couch and said I’d come help because I must’ve forgotten I’d taken them out. He ignored me. I continued, saying they were probably in her closet, where I usually put them, but to call down if they weren’t there and I’d come up and look for them. He didn’t answer me. He didn’t call downstairs. But I heard him moving around and looking through things. I went to check the laundry room — and found the sheets in the dryer, where I’d left them.

  • I realize, on the surface, this is not a huge deal. But got it just felt like a metaphor for our entire relationship. It happens all. the. time.

• I got dolled up for our anniversary dinner. I didn’t get a single acknowledgement from H. And I looked good. Like, the best I could look currently. He swears he told me I looked nice, which no he didn’t. But even if he had, “nice” is not what a girl wants to hear.

• I can’t count how many nights he’s come downstairs, walked past me wrapping gifts, grabbed a snack, and gone back upstairs for his latest show or movie. Would I want his help? Probably not. I don’t have much faith that he’d not find a way to ruin my satisfaction in making the season/Christmas morning magical. But acknowledgement/appreciation for the fact that he doesn’t have to do anything other than fucking show up on Christmas morning? Yeah, that’d be nice.

  • Honestly, it’s not like Christmas setup is an altruistic thing for me, because I get so much pleasure from the entire season. It’s the closest I get all year to feeling whimsical. But I wish Nelson would add to that feeling instead of seeming stressed and closed down most of the time.

• Things I take care of for Christmas:

  • Buying all gifts, not just for D, but for H’s parents, D’s cousins, D’s teachers (school, activities)

  • Discussing D’s Christmas wish list ahead of the season, helping her narrow it down (ha)

  • Dealing with the Elf each night, because I know the more creative I get, the more joy D has each morning

  • D’s advent calendar

  • Thinking of and helping D create homemade ornaments each year

  • Making a poem and a graphic to go with the snack/drink box on our porch for delivery drivers

  • Tipping the maids

  • Decorating, except the tree (which we do as a family once H sets it up) and lights outside

  • Writing the family letter

  • Organizing family photos

  • Creating the family Christmas card

  • Stuffing envelopes, licking, stamping, mailing 100+ cards

  • Planning holiday activities (winter walk of lights, cookie baking/decorating, etc)

  • D’s Christmas PJs

  • D’s spirit week the last week of school

  • Looking for ways to keep Christmas spirit up all December

  • Staying on top of gift exchanges and events with local friends

  • Planning Christmas brunch and dinner — grocery shopping, cooking, planning the timing

  • Organizing who goes where for what meals around Christmas

  • Making sure everyone we come in contact with pretty regularly knows they’re appreciated

  • It’s not just about the DOING it’s also about the thinking. So much mental weight.

  • EMOTIONAL LABOR: the sum of small acts performed by one person to make other people’s lives more pleasant and to protect them from negativity, including hiding the effort required to do so.

  • Researching the best lights in the area to drive around to.

  • Suggesting the neighborhood drive around at night.

  • Creating a pinterest board of things I’d like if he needs gift ideas, which he always does.

  • Planning for Jolabokaflod: The Icelandic Tradition of Giving Books on Christmas Eve (and chocolate!)

  • Spending hours on hours thinking of things to do (and doing them) to make the season extra special.

  • And receiving very little recognition or appreciation — on top of all the other shit I do daily anyway

• Things H takes care of:

  • Bringing down the decorations from the attic

  • Christmas lights

  • (This year) setting up and helping D decorate the small tree in her room

  • Providing income for purchases

  • Helping to clean before and after events at our house

  • Getting pissed off at me for spending too much money