Evolving post: who are my teachers?
In The New Codependency, Beattie writes that we can look at the people hurting us as teachers or as enemies. I’m going to try to keep this in mind and begin (continue to work on) an activity from the book.
Identify my teachers and the lessons I’ve learned from them.
H. I don’t know what my lesson is here yet, not completely. It’s likely more than one. I am scared that this lesson will be learning how to let go, regardless of how uncertain/scary the future may be. He has been a lesson in letting go already, with the realization that I cannot control his actions, his decisions around alcohol. What I need to do instead is set boundaries. But I’m scared to set those boundaries because what if my boundary is that I cannot be married to a person who I cannot trust because of alcohol — and then he chooses to drink anyway? It puts the ball in my court, making it my responsibility to stick to the boundary. And that will be the end of my marriage.
The PTA, this is my fourth year involved, third year on the executive board, second year as president. In the past, I’ve blamed the PTA on my stress levels and business. I’ve felt nonstop guilt that I don’t do enough to make the teachers feel appreciated, that I don’t communicate enough with the parents in my community, that I don’t reach out enough to the families who aren’t native English speakers. Opportunities slip by, and I watch them go. Because I’m burnt out. And don’t have enough help. And I don’t even really ask for enough help. Because I’m already too exhausted to organize the asking or the answering.
I have a friend, Beth. She is a good lesson in the opposite of codependency. She has solid boundaries. She’s fun and thoughtful and down to do/organize things. She’ll put her heart into what she does — but she maintains personal stopping points. I admire her a lot. And I appreciate her ability to quietly but firmly refuse to compromise beyond her boundaries. She doesn’t overexplain or feel the need to apologize for doing what’s right for her/her family. I would really like to emulate this same behavior!
My mom. I’d never consider her an enemy, but she does have some behaviors that hurt me. And I learn from her the ability to admit things about myself, no matter how unattractive. (For instance, she smokes and doesn’t try to hide it. I hate the smoking bit, but appreciate her transparency.)
My dad. Oh, man. My dad. He teaches me how to love a person despite their (what I perceive to be) hateful beliefs about others. He thought Trump was a good president. Voted for him. There aren’t many people in my life anymore who did those things. The main character in one of my favorite shows, Ted Lasso, once said “I try love my dad for who he is and forgive him for who he isn’t.” And my dad teaches me how to do this.
I’m sure there are more teachers in my life, I’ll update as the realizations come to me.